Something Other than Fear Read online

  Something Other than Fear

  Shepard Security series - Book one

  By Kerry Taylor

  This book is dedicated to my husband.

  Ryan, you were my strength in my darkest times. Thank you for always being there to show me the light.

  LUCY

  There was a time in my life when I had everything I ever wanted or needed. Great parents

  who were still in love and who loved me, an older brother who doted on me and was my best friend. I never worried about anything, I had a wonderful, happy, idyllic life. I was spoiled, although I never realised it.

  Then one day my life started to change dramatically. I started to fall down a deep dark pit until eventually I hit the depths of hell. I became lost in a way I never knew it was possible to be.

  Have you ever reached that point in your life where you sit and really, seriously think you’d be better off dead? I have, several times. I have been to hell and back and I not only met the devil, I married him. This is not a story of my ability to overcome though, because alone I would never have survived. This is the story of the people who gave me the ability to come back from the depths of that pit, the story of the people who were there to claw me out, every step of the way.

  ***

  “They’re dead Matt!” I cried desperately into the phone, my entire body trembling in shock. The police officer had just left after shattering my world into a million pieces. The only thing I could think of was hearing the voice of my brother, the only person I had now.

  “Lucy, just take a breath and calm down a little Darling, then you can tell me what’s happened.” Matt said, so calmly. He was used to panic; he was a general surgeon at a huge hospital in Chicago. He had worked there for the last seven years. He had moved there almost straight out of qualifying and he loved it. I missed him terribly, even all of these years later. We had always been close. My parents had been almost fifty when I was born and they turned to Matt to run around with me and take care of me most of the time, since he was eight years older and much more up to the task than them. I had been lost since the day he left for the States, if I were honest, but I would never tell him, I would never guilt him into coming back.

  I had gotten through because of the love of my amazing parents. They had been there for me through every happy, sad and difficult moment of my life. I was a loner, didn’t have any real friends and had certainly never had a boyfriend. Instead I spent time with the couple I idolised and thought the world of and now…..

  I tried to do as Matt had said and take a breath. I couldn’t make myself stop crying or trembling, but I calmed my breathing enough to be able to speak.

  “That’s it Darling,” Matt encouraged as he listened to my breathing slow down a little. “Now try again Lucy. Whatever it is, we can find a way to handle it”

  “The……the police were here……th-they just left.” I said shakily.

  “The police? What for?”

  “Th-there was an accident Matt…….Mum and Dad…….a car accident,” I whispered, fighting desperately to keep some control over my breathing. “The officer…….he said they…….they died on impact……..both of them!” I was sobbing again now, unable to hold it in any longer.

  “Mum and Dad are…….they’re dead?” Matt asked in a whisper, shock evident in his shaky voice. I couldn’t speak as I cried hysterically, the phone pressed to my ear just so I could hear Matt breathing, just so I could feel he was there. He was crying, I heard his breathing become more erratic and the odd sniffle escape.

  “Lucy? Are you still there Darling?” Matt asked after a couple of minutes.

  “Yes.” I whimpered.

  “Are you ok? I mean…..I know you’re not ok, but can you handle this, until I can get home? Is there someone you can ring to be there with you?”

  “There’s no one now Matt…….just you.”

  “I don’t want you there alone. I can’t get back until tomorrow night at the earliest. There must be someone you can ring…….what about that woman mum worked with, Karen? You know her quite well?”

  “No Matt. I don’t really know her, and I don’t want a stranger here. I just want you…….I just want you to be here!”

  “I’m coming Darling, but until I do you shouldn’t be alone. I know you’re in pieces. I’ll be worried sick about you, I already am.” I took a deep breath and tried to hold back all of my emotion, realising I was doing nothing but hurting my brother more.

  “Matt, it’s one day. I’m ok, really. Please just get back and don’t be worrying about me. I can get it together……I can.” I was trying to convince myself as much as him. Matt was quiet as he thought about what I had said for a moment.

  “You need to keep busy Lucy and make sure you eat something. If you need me, you call me and in case you can’t get me I’m going to give you the number of a good mate of mine over here, Jack. If you need to talk to someone or if you’re worried about anything, you call me and if my phone is off you ring Jack, do you understand?” Matt said firmly. I agreed, anything to put his mind at rest. I took down several phone numbers for Matt’s friend, told my brother I loved him and hung up quickly before I fell apart again.

  ***

  I didn’t know the first time I ever spoke to Jack, the way in which he would come to be such a major part of my life later on. It was early the next morning and I was a complete wreck. I had spent the whole night trying to clean around the already spotless house, to try and keep busy knowing I’d never sleep, but was continuously falling apart along the way. I was shaky and feeling weak and my throat was raw from all of the crying. I was in the middle of frantically vacuuming the lounge when my mobile started to ring. I dashed to it, hoping it would be Matt telling me that by some miracle he had landed four hours early, but it was an unknown number. I took a deep breath and answered as calmly as I could.

  It was the police requesting that I go to the morgue that morning to identify my parent’s bodies. I started to cry at just the thought of such a horrible thing, but the person on the phone had little sympathy or patience and insisted I pick a time to be collected. I managed to calm myself enough to tell them I would have to call them back and took down a phone number. And then I was sobbing, desperately once again, just wishing Matt were there to hold me and tell me what to do.

  I dialled his mobile, but it was switched off, as I knew it would be, he was in the air. I tried to think straight about what I should do. I couldn’t see my parents at the morgue, I never wanted to see them that way, but I was terrified if I didn’t go the morgue would move their bodies. Desperate for the right answer and with nowhere else to turn, I dialled the mobile number of Matt’s friend, Jack. I tried to stop my sobs so I could at least make sense if he answered.

  “Jack Reed,” A friendly, American voice answered.

  “Hi……I…..I’m Matt’s sister, Lucy,” I whispered nervously, wondering why the hell I was phoning a complete stranger. “I……I’m so sorry to bother you.”

  “You’re not bothering me. I’m glad you called me. I was worried about you. How are you doing?” He asked, his voice kind and caring.

  “I…….I don’t know what to do……I….they…….they rang, and they said……..oh God, I can’t…..I just can’t do it!” I cried as I burst into hysterical sobs once again.

  “Lucy, I need you to take a couple of slow, deep breaths for me honey. I can’t understand what you’re saying. There’s no hurry. Just take a minute, breathe and then we can deal with whatever the call was about, ok?” He sounded like an American version of Matt and I instantly felt a little comforted. I fell down to the floor and leant my back against the front of the sofa as I tried to gain some self-control. Finally I felt able to sp
eak again.

  “I’m here……I’m sorry about that.” I whispered, my throat agony with each word, my voice rough and hoarse.

  “Nothing to be sorry about sweet. Now take a nice deep breath and tell me, who called?” He asked.

  “The police…….they just rang. They said I…….I have to go to the m-morgue to identify my parent’s bodies. I don’t think I can………..I can’t see them like that…….I can’t!” I blurted out as I started to cry again.

  “Hey, it’s ok. Just keep on breathing for me,” Jack said soothingly. “It’s ok, I’m going to take care of this. You don’t need to do that honey. Matt will do it when he arrives.”

  “But what if……if they move them…….or……I don’t know. If I have to do it then I will…….I’m just scared.” I whispered.

  “Lucy, listen to me. There is nothing to say anyone has to go to the morgue today. Matt can go tomorrow, and it won’t make any difference. I’ll call the police back and straighten all of this out. Nothing will happen to your parent’s remains, I will make certain of that. Just try to stay calm.”

  “I just wish Matt were here.” I whimpered.

  “He’ll be there so soon honey. Until then you have to try and stay calm.”

  “I’ve tried……really tried…..to keep busy like Matt said, but I can’t. I just can’t believe this is real.”

  “Lucy, I know how hard this must be for you, but you have to take care of yourself. Have you eaten anything?”

  “I can’t…….I can’t face food and I have a sore throat from crying. I just can’t seem to hold it together.”

  “You need to try and eat something sweet. Have you been drinking plenty?” He asked with concern.

  “Yeah, I’m ok. Please don’t worry about me.” I tried to placate him, realising how pathetic I must sound.

  “Just try to eat something if you can. I know from Matt you’re really slight and if your blood sugar drops you could wind up passing out” I looked down at myself. He was right, I was small at just over 5”1. I had always been very slim, skinny even, having never been a big eater. I didn’t exercise much, because I liked to just be locked away at home as much as possible, a real geek and home bird at heart. He was right, I was weak and pretty pathetic.

  “I……..I’m ok. I just didn’t know what to do about the morgue. I’m ok, really.” I backtracked, not wanting to worry this poor stranger.

  “You’re not ok honey. I can hear it in your voice that you’re trembling, and your voice is weak. You need to get some sustenance in you.” He said firmly

  I agreed, just wanting to put his mind at rest and he hung up, saying he would call back in an hour to see how I was doing. It was strange, to be chatting to someone I had never met, allowing him to hear me at my weakest, but there was just something in his voice that made me feel at ease with him.

  When he called back an hour later I had forced down a little toast, which seemed to please him. He told me he had spoken to the police on the number I had given him, and it was all sorted, Matt would go to the morgue tomorrow and I would not need to. When he told me the police wouldn’t be bothering me again I got the sense he had really laid into whoever he had spoken to and I felt sorry for them, but mainly I was just relieved not to have to go to identify my parents remains.

  “You should try to have a little rest now honey” Jack advised. “Just lie down and close your eyes. You’re so exhausted you’ll drift right off.”

  “I do feel tired.” I agreed.

  “I won’t call you for a while, so you can sleep, but call me as soon as you wake up, so I know you’re alright, ok?”

  “I will Jack. Thank you……for being so kind to me.”

  “You don’t need to thank me sweet. I only wish I weren’t so far away, so I could be there with you.” He said kindly.

  “I’m better than I was before I called you……it’s helped, having you to talk to. I really hope I get to meet you one day”

  “You will sweet, I’m sure. Now try and rest, ok? Matt should be there in a few hours and he’ll take care of everything when he arrives. Don’t forget to call me when you wake up or I’ll be worrying”

  “I will.” I agreed before we said goodbye and hung up. I curled up in the middle of the huge leather sofa and pulled a blanket down over myself, then did as Jack had said and closed my eyes. He was right, I was exhausted, and I drifted into a restless sleep almost immediately. I slept fitfully, dreaming constantly of my parents, suffering, trapped in their car. I dreamt it over and over again until finally I was able to jolt myself out of sleep.

  I jumped awake and found myself wrapped awkwardly in the blanket, because I had tossed and turned so much. I sat up and checked the screen of my phone. It was almost six pm. I had slept for several hours and I knew Jack would be worried. I dialled his number quickly and he answered almost immediately.

  “Lucy? Are you ok sweet?” He asked hurriedly.

  “Yes, I just woke up.”

  “That’s good…….that you managed to sleep.”

  “I had horrible nightmares though, about my parents. I saw them trapped in that car……it was awful.” I whimpered tearfully.

  “Lucy, your parents didn’t suffer. They wouldn’t have even really known what was going on before it was all over, so don’t torture yourself sweet.”

  “I can’t help it”

  “You have to try. You can’t feel guilt for something that had nothing to do with you. It was just an accident. You couldn’t have stopped it.”

  “I miss them already Jack. I don’t know what I’ll do without them here.”

  “You have Matt. You’re not alone. He’ll take care of you. Maybe you’ll come out here and then you’ll have me too. I think you and I are going to be good friends honey” He said kindly. Before I could reply, there was a knock at the front door. I froze for a moment, remembering the knock of the police officer just the day before, the visit which had changed my life forever.

  “Lucy? Is something wrong?” Jack asked.

  “Th-there’s someone a…..at the door.” I stuttered.

  “It will be Matt honey, but just keep me on the line for now, until we know for sure.” I stood shakily and made my way slowly to the door. I pulled back the door curtain a tiny fraction and saw just a glimpse of my brother.

  “It’s Matt!” I cried with relief into the phone as I threw back the door curtain. Matt and I just stared at each other for a moment through the glass pane in the door. He was as handsome as ever, at over six-foot-tall with pale skin, ice blue eyes and very dark brown hair, similar to my own colouring, only Matt always looked perfectly healthy and toned. He worked out and although he wasn’t heavily muscled, he was in great shape. I always tended to be on the sickly side of pale in comparison. Matt tried to force a smile and I saw the pain in his face. His eyes were a little red from crying and he looked exhausted.

  I unlocked the door and threw it open. Matt dropped his bags and stretched his arms out for me to run into.

  “Matt!” I cried as I dropped the phone to my side and threw myself into his embrace. “Thank God you’re here!” I buried my head into his chest and allowed my sobs to run free. He held me more tightly than ever before and for the first time since my life was torn apart the day before, I felt secure once again.

  “It’s ok Darling. I’m here now, everything is going to be alright.” He soothed as he continued to hold me. Eventually he lifted me from the ground with one arm and gathered his bags with the other, then carried everything into the lounge. He sat on the sofa and I sat beside him, burrowing into his side for security.

  “Are you alright Lucy? You’re very shaky?”

  “I’m a lot better than I was this morning. I’ve had a sleep and managed to eat something, thanks to Jack.”

  “Jack? You rang him?” Suddenly I remembered he had been on the phone with me and I checked the screen on my mobile hurriedly. He was still there.

  “Jack?” I whispered as I raised the phone to my ea
r.

  “I’m still here sweet.”

  “Let me speak to him Lucy.” Matt said as he took the phone from me. “Jack, you alright mate?” I left him to the phone call, while I headed through to the kitchen and put the kettle on. I set to work making Matt a cup of tea, just trying to busy myself as much as possible. The tea was just about ready when he strode into the kitchen.

  “Jack told me about the police ringing you. I’m sorry I wasn’t here to handle that Darling.” He said guiltily.

  “Don’t be daft. I’m ok, Jack was great, and he just sorted it straight away. He was so nice to me. I really liked talking to him.”

  “He’s a good guy. You and he would get on like a house on fire.” He walked up behind me and wrapped his right arm strongly around my shoulders. “Come and sit down Darling. I’m worried about you. You’re so pale and you look exhausted.” I picked up the cup of tea I had made and allowed Matt to lead me through to the lounge where I collapsed down with relief. I was very worn out and it was starting to take a toll.

  “Jack said you’ve been really overwhelmed and struggling a little?” Matt said as he sat beside me.

  “It was all just too much Matt…..I’m sorry.”

  “You don’t have to be sorry Darling. I’m just worried about you. That’s why I didn’t want you to be alone.”

  “Well I didn’t want to be alone either, but I don’t have anyone. I don’t have any real friends I can count on and you are literally the only member of family I have left now so there was little choice really!” I said tearfully.

  “I know, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I’m just so bloody worried about you now.”

  “I’m going to be fine Matt.” I said as strongly as I could.

  “I know you are Darling, because you’re either coming back to Chicago with me, or I’m coming home to be with you.” I thought quickly about his words. I wouldn’t go back to Chicago with him. He had a whole life out there, a happy one and I wouldn’t ruin it by going out there and having him worry about me constantly, which I knew he would. I also would not have him move back here. My brother had made a great life for himself in Chicago and I would not ruin that.